| .:mind matters:. How Your Thoughts Can Affect Your Mood By Janet Warren, Psy.D. |
How we think about a situation can significantly affect how we feel.
To best illustrate this, let's begin with the following two scenerios:
1. Karen was taking a walk on a sunny afternoon when she saw her
good friend Emily on the other side of the street. She waved to her
with a smile but Emily kept walking and did not return Karen's smile
or wave. Karen was perplexed. She thought Emily was a good friend.
"I can't believe she didn't say hello to me," Karen thought. "Maybe
she didn't like it when she saw me having coffee with Nikki the other
day. I bet she is mad at me because I didn't call her last week to say
hello. It's useless. I can't seem to do anything right with my friends. I
don't know why I even bother."
Soon, the sunny afternoon grew dark and gloomy for Karen. She
was now irritable and in a lousy mood.
To best illustrate this, let's begin with the following two scenerios:
1. Karen was taking a walk on a sunny afternoon when she saw her
good friend Emily on the other side of the street. She waved to her
with a smile but Emily kept walking and did not return Karen's smile
or wave. Karen was perplexed. She thought Emily was a good friend.
"I can't believe she didn't say hello to me," Karen thought. "Maybe
she didn't like it when she saw me having coffee with Nikki the other
day. I bet she is mad at me because I didn't call her last week to say
hello. It's useless. I can't seem to do anything right with my friends. I
don't know why I even bother."
Soon, the sunny afternoon grew dark and gloomy for Karen. She
was now irritable and in a lousy mood.
2. Michelle was getting ready to go to a party. She was excited about the party because some cute guys who had just
moved in down the street were coming too. Michelle had already put on her makeup and thought she looked pretty
hot. Then she tried on her favorite black dress because everyone told her she looked sexy in it. But when she tried it
on, it felt a little snug around her waist. She threw it in a ball on the bed and tried on her silk black pants. They fit a
little better but she still felt fat. She sat on the edge of the bed, tears at the corners of her eyes, and thought, "I can't go
to this party. I've gained five pounds. I look awful. No one will want to talk with me. I'm never going to find a boyfriend."
If you've ever found yourself having similar thoughts, then you are having what is called "cognitive distortions" or
"thinking errors." Thinking errors are a pattern of thinking that distorts reality and can affect our mood. People have a
higher rate of depression, anxiety, stress and anger when they use cognitive distortions to describe their
experiences. David Burns, M.D. developed a list of ten Thinking Errors that he saw emerge as a pattern with people
who are depressed.
Let's look again at scenario 1:
Suppose the next day Karen saw Emily and said, "Why didn't you say hello to me yesterday? Are you mad at me?"
Emily looks at Karen with confusion and responds, "I didn't even see you. I got a call yesterday morning that my
mother was rushed to the hospital. I'm leaving today to fly to Florida. I must have been lost in my thoughts when you
waved at me."
Karen is relieved. Her friend isn't mad at her. Maybe having friends isn't so hard after all.
But what happened to Karen on the first day? She was doing what we call "Mind Reading." Mind Reading is when
you believe that someone is acting negatively to you and you don't check it out. Karen's thoughts spiraled out of
control because she thought she knew the reasons for Emily not waving hello to her. Karen went from being hurt that
Emily didn't wave at her to believing that it was impossible for her to have friends.
But we now know that Karen was wrong. Emily was having her own problems and her not waving to Karen had
nothing to do with Karen at all. It's important to watch out for mind reading. We all do it, almost all the time. Just listen
to newscasters or read the popular gossip magazines. Their livelihood is based on their speculations about the
reasons a famous person has done something. Or watch the next time you have a discussion with your friends
about another friend's behavior. Chances are you will be commenting on the friend's behavior without really knowing
the reasons why she acted the way she did.
We can never truly know someone's reasons for behavior unless we ask him or her directly. This is important to
remember in all of your relationships because many relationships falter when a person assumes she knows the
reason for another person's actions. Like Karen, we can take a benign situation (not waving) and catastrophize it into
something terrible about ourselves (I can't do anything right with my friends). Take the time to ask someone why he
or she did something to you and you will find that it will help smooth out many troubled spots in a relationship.
Now let's look take a look at Michelle. She, too, was using a cognitive distortion to describe her situation. She was
doing what is called "all or nothing" thinking. Michelle believes that just because she has gained a little weight, no
one will want to talk to her. Michelle can refute these negative thoughts by asking herself:
"What are the chances people will notice that I gained five pounds?"
"Even if they do notice, why would that affect how I enjoy the party?"
"People don't like me because of the weight I am."
"If someone did notice I gained five pounds and they cared about it, why would I be friends with that person?"
By asking herself these questions, Michelle is taking a more balanced view of her weight gain. Chances are no one
will notice her weight gain and as Michelle concludes, if someone does notice her extra five pounds and doesn't like
her for it, then why would Michelle want to stay friends with her?
By examining your thoughts more closely, you give yourself an opportunity to see if the way you are thinking about a
situation is affecting your mood. If you are feeling sad, lonely or unattractive, take a moment to write down your
thoughts to see if you are using a cognitive distortion to describe your situation. Then try to find a more balanced way
of thinking.
For more information about the ten Thinking Errors or Cognitive Distortions and how to refute them with more
balanced thoughts, read Feeling Good by David Burns, M.D.
CONTENTS REAL LIFE
moved in down the street were coming too. Michelle had already put on her makeup and thought she looked pretty
hot. Then she tried on her favorite black dress because everyone told her she looked sexy in it. But when she tried it
on, it felt a little snug around her waist. She threw it in a ball on the bed and tried on her silk black pants. They fit a
little better but she still felt fat. She sat on the edge of the bed, tears at the corners of her eyes, and thought, "I can't go
to this party. I've gained five pounds. I look awful. No one will want to talk with me. I'm never going to find a boyfriend."
If you've ever found yourself having similar thoughts, then you are having what is called "cognitive distortions" or
"thinking errors." Thinking errors are a pattern of thinking that distorts reality and can affect our mood. People have a
higher rate of depression, anxiety, stress and anger when they use cognitive distortions to describe their
experiences. David Burns, M.D. developed a list of ten Thinking Errors that he saw emerge as a pattern with people
who are depressed.
Let's look again at scenario 1:
Suppose the next day Karen saw Emily and said, "Why didn't you say hello to me yesterday? Are you mad at me?"
Emily looks at Karen with confusion and responds, "I didn't even see you. I got a call yesterday morning that my
mother was rushed to the hospital. I'm leaving today to fly to Florida. I must have been lost in my thoughts when you
waved at me."
Karen is relieved. Her friend isn't mad at her. Maybe having friends isn't so hard after all.
But what happened to Karen on the first day? She was doing what we call "Mind Reading." Mind Reading is when
you believe that someone is acting negatively to you and you don't check it out. Karen's thoughts spiraled out of
control because she thought she knew the reasons for Emily not waving hello to her. Karen went from being hurt that
Emily didn't wave at her to believing that it was impossible for her to have friends.
But we now know that Karen was wrong. Emily was having her own problems and her not waving to Karen had
nothing to do with Karen at all. It's important to watch out for mind reading. We all do it, almost all the time. Just listen
to newscasters or read the popular gossip magazines. Their livelihood is based on their speculations about the
reasons a famous person has done something. Or watch the next time you have a discussion with your friends
about another friend's behavior. Chances are you will be commenting on the friend's behavior without really knowing
the reasons why she acted the way she did.
We can never truly know someone's reasons for behavior unless we ask him or her directly. This is important to
remember in all of your relationships because many relationships falter when a person assumes she knows the
reason for another person's actions. Like Karen, we can take a benign situation (not waving) and catastrophize it into
something terrible about ourselves (I can't do anything right with my friends). Take the time to ask someone why he
or she did something to you and you will find that it will help smooth out many troubled spots in a relationship.
Now let's look take a look at Michelle. She, too, was using a cognitive distortion to describe her situation. She was
doing what is called "all or nothing" thinking. Michelle believes that just because she has gained a little weight, no
one will want to talk to her. Michelle can refute these negative thoughts by asking herself:
"What are the chances people will notice that I gained five pounds?"
"Even if they do notice, why would that affect how I enjoy the party?"
"People don't like me because of the weight I am."
"If someone did notice I gained five pounds and they cared about it, why would I be friends with that person?"
By asking herself these questions, Michelle is taking a more balanced view of her weight gain. Chances are no one
will notice her weight gain and as Michelle concludes, if someone does notice her extra five pounds and doesn't like
her for it, then why would Michelle want to stay friends with her?
By examining your thoughts more closely, you give yourself an opportunity to see if the way you are thinking about a
situation is affecting your mood. If you are feeling sad, lonely or unattractive, take a moment to write down your
thoughts to see if you are using a cognitive distortion to describe your situation. Then try to find a more balanced way
of thinking.
For more information about the ten Thinking Errors or Cognitive Distortions and how to refute them with more
balanced thoughts, read Feeling Good by David Burns, M.D.
CONTENTS REAL LIFE